


LIFE'S TOUGH WHEN YOU'RE SCARED AND SMALL (STILL TOUGH WHEN YOU'RE BIG AND TALLER)

by maytheforcebewithlizzie



Category: Peter Rabbit (2018), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Caring Ren, He is nice to Thomas though, Hurt/Comfort, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Peter is a Little Shit, Poor Thomas, Protective Kylo Ren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-06-05 09:32:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15167777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maytheforcebewithlizzie/pseuds/maytheforcebewithlizzie
Summary: Sometimes you get too caught up in the fight and you go too far.AU in which Armitage Hux is Thomas McGregor and despite his life not being easy, he still has his loving (scary) boyfriend Kylo Ren.





	1. 1. I KNOW NOW THAT WE DIDN’T WORK OUT BECAUSE YOU KEEP TRYING TO KILL ME

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Thank you all for reading :)

Peter is left staring at the man moving behind the windows. When he listens closely enough, he can hear the fractures of the conversation. Thomas holds a phone pressed against his ear and keeps waving his left hand in frustration.

Peter doesn't know how long he stands in the rain. He is soaked through and the cold makes him shiver. He thinks that he's been standing here for eternity now and the only thing that prevents him from leaving is the feeling of guilt that fills his small body from inside-out. “I am not a bad guy,” Thomas claimed a few hours ago. “You made me like this.” 

Peter remembers he was pressed against the ground and that Thomas's fingers dug into his much smaller body.

He refused to admit it to himself even then when he saw as Thomas's usually pale face turned red. He read it all wrong. It was not rage he saw inside of that pair of eyes. And something inside of Thomas snapped. He just stared at Peter and pulled his hand away. When Bea cried, there were tears rolling down her cheeks and her small body was shaking and shivering from the force of her sobs.

But Thomas was just quiet. He stared at Peter and then he stood up and left. There were no tears and shaking shoulders, no muffled sobs. The silence was somehow worse. And though his sisters were quick to congratulate Peter to his victory and he managed to smile at them, it didn't feel like any victory at all. Not when he knew that neither of them was supposed to give up.

Now, as he moves silently closer to the window, he sees as Thomas turns around. His hair is all soaked as if he just walked from the shower and instead of neat clothes he usually wears, he put on an oversized shirt and baggy pants. His thin frame looks even smaller now and Peter wonders how he could not notice that the man in front of him has been so fragile the entire time.

His eyes are glued to the ground when he speaks. Peter isn't able to recognize all words. He catches a muffled  _please, can_ ' _t_ and  _home._ The realization hits him suddenly. This man has home too, not here but somewhere else. This man is maybe not so entirely different. Maybe they are the same after all. He puts his paw against the glass of the window.

Thomas slides on the stairs and brings knees to his chest. He holds the phone for a second longer and Peter see as he forces himself to put it away once it goes quiet. He rests his forehead against his knees and the phone remains lying abandoned on the ground. He looks beautiful, stripped all of his armor and sharpness. Peter is never one to correct his mistakes but maybe this one is worth trying.

It starts to rain heavier. Thomas remains quiet, curled into himself. He falls asleep in the same position and his grasp on his knees relaxes. His head rolls on the side and rests against the wall. His eyes are closed and chest slowly rising and falling up and down again and again. Peter notices the wetness of his cheeks where the tears previously rolled down.

He will step down from the battle for a few days, Peter promises to himself. He will give Thomas time to gather his strength and return fresh and new. He hopes it will be enough as he turns his back to Thomas's window and starts running back home. As he runs through the rain, he keeps assuring himself that that's what the man needs right now. He needs to pull back together. Or maybe not, a quiet voice inside of his mind says. Peter chooses to ignore it but he knows that not every damage can be repaired by time.


	2. 2. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I want to apologize to anyone who suffers from mental illness. I hope I didn't completely fuck up the description!!!

He refuses to leave the house next morning. Thomas spends his time inside, irritated at himself. His neck hurts and his whole body is stiffened. The voice returned back. It sounds like his father's and manages to increase his anxiety whenever it speaks, whispering Thomas's given name in a snarling tone.

He remains quiet when Bea comes knocking on his door and for the first time in weeks, he simply cannot be in her presence. In the back of his mind, he knows that these bad days are just caused by his stubbornness. He checked this morning and he hasn't taken his pills for last few days. On the phone, he claimed he was feeling better now though he wants nothing more than to be in his boyfriend's presence again.

Today, he tosses the pills away too. He dislikes how they make him feel. It's an unsettling feeling that hovers above him whenever he takes them. “It's maybe because they work,” Kylo once told him sheepishly when he revealed those struggles and Thomas knows he was right. He blames the voice for his incapability to get better and continues his routine while knowing it's all wrong.

The routine is meant to be followed. Above many things Thomas does, he knows that returning back to chaos would only push him back into that pit of self-consciousness and doubt. He refuses to be weak, even though he was defeated and humiliated by rabbits. He will leave soon home. He will be with Kylo again and that's all that matters now.

He pushes away his worries during cleaning. He knows his obsession about placing things right where they belong only grows when he's feeling distressed. By the end of the day are his hands red and the skin there is too sensitive to touch. He suspects that the red stains on the side of his shirt's sleeves are from the small wounds that appeared on his palms. He cleans them under water and then out of desperation he washes them again, once to get rid of the dirt, twice to know that the dirt is really gone and that third time is only to make sure he didn't do any mistake during that first and second time. He ignores that the wounds open again and is quick to dry his hands before he heads back into the main room.

His phone buzzes inside of his pocket and he sees that a new message pops on his screen. Thomas walks downstairs and stands for a moment in the kitchen. He looks around, trying to convince himself that everything is just as perfect as it should be. Then his eyes slide back to the text message.

 

> _Hello, sweet. I just got back from work. Everything all right?_

He knows that Kylo is trying to write words neatly and most of all correctly just because of Thomas. Before used to be his messages short, uneven and it only stressed Thomas to the point he refused to open them. Right after he's done with reading, he starts to think about a response, another message comes.

 

> _You sounded very distressed last night._

Thomas chews his lower lip. He remembers the conversation from yesterday. He was kneeling on the stairs and held his phone in an almost painful grasp. His heart was skipping beats now and then and he was about to burst into tears. He begged Kylo then to come here, knowing that his boyfriend simply couldn't ditch his work. He convinced himself he could make it. Soon his protests died down and he wished Kylo a good night, promising that he would take his meds today.

 

> _Yeah. I am feeling much better._

He stops his typing and stares at those words for a moment.  _I miss you._

He presses a button to send the message and the reply comes almost immediately. He is glad that Kylo doesn't make him wait.

 

> _Love you, red. I miss you too. We_ ' _ll see each other soon. I promise._

His phone buzzes once again.

> _I know. Good night._

He puts his phone on the table and starts making himself a cup of tea before the bed. When it's done, he slips on the empty chair and brings the mug closer. It's burning under his fingertips. He should feel calm but he simply cannot. He stares in silence at the kitchen, at the living room and the hall. His fingers twitch and he takes a sip of his tea. He didn't put any sugar in it and suddenly the knowledge of his tea not being perfect pushes him over the edge again. Thomas pushes it away and is quiet for a moment. He glances at the clock above the doors and counts to ten.

He knows he should go back to bed. It's too late now and he has big plans for tomorrow. He has a routine he needs to complete. To wake up precisely at eight, to make himself a tea – with sugar otherwise, he cannot drink it. He remembers that those first few times when Kylo slept in his apartment, he tried to make breakfast as a surprise for Thomas. “I just assumed you are no sugar guy,” he smiled when Thomas asked why his tea tasted so sour. He didn't drink Kylo's tea that morning.

He taps his fingers against the surface of the table. He needs to clean up his room tomorrow, make sure it's all perfect before the sale. He also needs to go and make sure that the garden looks presentable. He knows that he would be forced to see the destruction in its wake and face Bea with her smile and happy mood when he's not feeling like it. He thinks he could go to bed after he's done with all of that. Thomas knows it won't happen anytime soon. His mind is buzzing with thoughts and his hands are restless. He knows that something is wrong.

Then he spots it. Mugs in the cupboard don't seem to fit this place. Their color doesn't matter now, at this very moment if the smallest is standing next to the biggest one. Thomas stands up abruptly and doesn't even notice he spilled his tea. He won't drink it, he simply cannot. Instead, he walks towards the cupboard. He opens it.

It's almost midnight.

**X**

The very next morning he notices circles that appeared under his eyes. He waves it away and listens to the voice.  _They will be gone soon. You just need to make everything look perfect._ Thomas combs his hair and puts on a flannel shirt and black jeans.

He is careful this time and puts sugar into his morning tea. The voice leaves him be and he enjoys the silence while he sips his drink and feels as warmness spreads all over his body. There are no new messages from Kylo and he simply assumes that his boyfriend is still sleeping. He repeats the routine to himself as he washes the mug and puts it where it belongs.

It's Saturday. He avoids his meds once again.  _You need to be sharp,_  the voice reminds him and Thomas only nods his head in agreement. Only a few more days and then he'll be with Kylo again. He opens the door and walks out. It's a sunny morning and he closes his eyes while he stands in front of his house. His hands are still stinging but the wounds don't bleed anymore. He closes the doors, returns to check on them. On his way to the garden, Thomas stops and the voice is kind enough to remind him that he should check on the doors again. He returns another five times and then continues in his routine.

By that time he sees as Bea walks out of her own house and waves at him. She is quick to cross the distance. “You weren't at home, yesterday. I rang.”

“I was in the town,” he lies smoothly. “I had some work there. Selling a house is not a fun.” He offers her a smile and immediately knows she can see right through it. His face is too tight and his eyes remain unfocused no matter how much he tries to act casually.

“What happened here?” Bea asks and points her finger at the garden. “It's a mess.”  _And you really don't like when someone makes a mess._

Thomas shrugs. “I was trying to garden, but it's not really my thing.” He cannot get rid of tension. “I should clean it up.”

Bea leans closer and pats him on his shoulder. “Okay,” she says. “Okay.” He watches as she walks away before he turns and looks at the mess the rabbits made. One of these days he really needs to take his meds. Rabbits don't rage wars and they certainly don't hate people as these do. Thomas takes a deep breath and reminds himself that soon he will be home, in London. He refuses to admit to himself he had a breakdown about this. It makes him feel pathetic that he had to call Kylo because he lost his mind.

The cleaning takes most of the day but by the time he's done, the garden looks neat again. He takes in the whole picture and feels as a satisfied smile appears on his lips. He rearranges the flowerpots and puts the tools where they belong. It's already too hot and he strips down his jacket. His hair is glued to his forehead and he already feels dirty. The sweat is clinging to his body and Thomas thinks he will take a shower when he returns home.

He takes out his phone as he continues making his way towards the house. Once he's in, he notices short message from Kylo.

> _Morning, red._

He smiles despite himself, thinking that things can get better again. He checks his hands again and sees that the skin is still raw. There are bruises forming on his forearms. It's not unusual, he bruises really quickly. Thomas is ready to prepare himself a cup of tea. Since he has nothing else to do, he feels as tiredness makes his knees weak and shaking. He thinks of taking meds again but doesn't go to grab them. Instead, he heads towards the kitchen and feels as the pounding inside of his head starts. He turns around quickly when he hears a low sound and though his eyes remain unfocused, he sees the small figure resting on the floor.

His whole body tenses. The rabbit cocks his head to the side and moves forward. Thomas feels as anger flares inside of him again and he lets his jacket slip on the floor. “YOU!” he yells and marches forward. He wants to throw him out quickly and then go to sleep. His hands and head hurt and his eyes are already closing.

The rabbit jumps back. The creature is quick when it wants to be. He leads Thomas into the kitchen where the rabbit jumps on the table and his paws mess up the arrangement of newspapers there. Thomas freezes. “STOP!” he yells and yells. At some point, he even covers his ear with his hands. The rabbit jumps on the cupboards and stares at Thomas without making a sound.

_He doesn't understand you. He is A RABBIT!_ The voice inside of his mind is loudly yelling. Thomas feels as tears gather inside his eyes and the rabbit moves forward quickly as if he finally understood Thomas's distress. What follows, happens too quickly for anyone to stop it.

Thomas hears only the sound of breaking glass and he closes his eyes, too afraid to see. When he cracks them open again, the kitchen floor is covered in broken pieces of his mugs. He falls on his knees almost immediately and he crawls forward, trying to save whatever he can. The glass cuts the abused skin of his palms and Thomas suddenly cannot move. The blood is dripping out and the sound of everything breaking is still loudly echoing inside of his mind.

He suddenly feels again like a small boy, kneeling in the kitchen with his father hovering above him. “You stupid boy,” Brendol kept roaring and spit fell on Thomas's trembling body. In that time, he had a different name, the one he tried to forget and now it comes all back to him. His father threw at him another plate and Thomas shivered. Tears were rolling down his cheeks and filled inside of his mouth along with the blood. At last, Brendol reached and hauled him up. Thomas was skinny then and looked like a puppet in his father's firm grasp. Brendol's fingers dug into Thomas's hands and they both knew there will be bruises later.

“She is dead, you BASTARD!” his father kept screaming. He shook with his son's small body. “She is dead and you are ALIVE!” Thomas cried after that harder. His father's response was a harsh slap. Thomas closed his eyes.  _I miss her too,_ he wanted to scream but instead gaged on the mixture of blood and spit that filled his mouth.

The memory disappeared as quickly as it came but Thomas can still taste that awful taste of blood filling his mouth. It is sour, not sweet and with blood comes the fear of being hurt. He lets go of the broken pieces and shakily stands up. His eyes focus on the mess on the floor and in the kitchen and the voice speaks to him again.  _Failure. Failure. Failure._ This time it speaks in his father's voice. Thomas suddenly can't breathe. He wipes his bloody hands into his trousers, not caring anymore and with shaky hands starts to clean up. Soon, he is crying.

His eyes burn from exhaustion and the floor is covered in blood. His hands hurt, more than he would like to admit and the voice continues in screaming.  _STUPID BOY. DIE. DIE. DIE!!!_ Thomas shakes his head and sniffles. He needs to clean this up. He needs to finish. When he turns his head to the side, he realizes the rabbit is gone.

**X**

Peter's small fluffy body is still recovering from the shock. He didn't mean to break anything if he is being honest for the first time in his life. He wanted to check on the man, make sure he recovered and was ready for their small fight to go on.

The jump was an accident. He landed on the ground and heard as glass collided with the polished floor. When he turned around, the mess was already there. He cocked head to the side, suddenly afraid of McGregor's reaction and when none came, he hopped closer to get a better look of man's face. He remained in a stunned silence when McGregor fell on his knees and crawled forward. Peter wanted to scream at him, to call him a fool before he had a chance, one of the glass pieces cut deep into the man's hands.

He could see as the blood dripped on the floor and both he and McGregor froze. McGregor started to shake violently and his mouth opened and closed again and again. After those long moments passed, Peter could only watch as the McGregor started to cry while cleaning up. The blood was smeared all over the floor and soon it got on the man's trousers. Peter's never seen him that distressed before and he suddenly became aware after he pushed him too far.

He wondered then if he was supposed to come to the man and calm him down. He didn't. He ran away like a coward. He told himself it was for the best, but the truth was, he couldn't watch as the tears rolled down those pale cheeks. Peter didn't want to see how severely the man broke down.

**X**

The phone buzzes again. Thomas lies curled on the bathroom floor and he doesn't even bother to raise his head up. His palms are closed but they are still bleeding. He got used to the smell of blood. He faintly smiles when another message arrives. He knows he should answer Kylo's distressed messages but he cannot bring himself to move.

He feels comfortable now, lying on the cold floor. His cheeks are still damp but he is no longer crying. He feels even more exhausted now when the breakdown is all over. Instead of tending his wounds like he should, Thomas brings his knees closer to his chest and keeps looking forward. The blood will dry soon. He'll wash it away later.

This time Kylo calls him. Thomas doesn't answer. He feels too comfortable to move. The pills are staring at him from the top of the shelf. He knows he should take them. His body relaxes.  _You still have time._ The voice is no more than a gentle whisper now.  _Just go to sleep._

Thomas does close his eyes.


	3. 3. BABY, WHO IS YOUR DADDY NOW?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the end! This story was kind of short, probably shortest I've ever written. Still, I hope you enjoyed reading it!

Ren feels as the anxiety fills him from the inside. He stares at his phone while preparing pasta for the dinner. His stomach rumbles again and he remembers he didn't have any lunch today. When he looks down, he sees that there's still paint behind his nails. If Thomas was there, he would scold him for not washing his hands and refused to allow him to cook.

But Thomas is not here. Ren misses the presence of the dark-haired man. It was necessary, he reminds himself, not quite sure if he really wants to believe it now. He saw how much it hurt Thomas to lose his job in Harrods. He held him close and knew that it would take time for both of them to adjust to this change. While Ren didn't mind changes, for Thomas it was hell and they both knew it. When the opportunity appeared, Ren insisted that staying outside the London would be great for Thomas. He needed fresh air, to discover something new.

Now he deeply regretted he didn't go with him. Ren knows that something bad happened. Thomas called him a few days ago and he sounded so broken. He convinced Ren to stay in London and continue in his job there. “I am fine,” he insisted. “I am just a little tired.”

Ren glances at his phone again. Thomas isn't answering. He knows it usually happens when Thomas falls into the fit and loses himself temporarily. Bringing him back takes time and Ren's presence. And while Ren is in London, Thomas is far away from him. It keeps his whole willpower not to jump on the train to make sure his boyfriend is fine. Ren suspects he's overreacting. Most of the people don't get stressed if their partner doesn't answer immediately but Ren knows Thomas and he knows that his boyfriend is not that kind of man who leaves things unanswered.

He stares at the screen for a moment longer and puts the phone away with a sigh of despair. He stares at the pasta and runs his fingers through his hair. It turned into a tangled mess of curls but still, it cannot be compared with Thomas's hair when he washes them up. Ren likes to brush those curls when they lie in the bed together, while Thomas's chest rises up and down.

Those moments between two of them are precious. Cold chills run down Ren's spine when he remembers how he almost lost Thomas a few years ago. It was a bad time for both of them. Thomas lost his father due to cancer and he was in charge of the funeral as his only and last living son. Ren cannot forget the broken look Thomas shot him when Brendol was finally under the ground. Later that evening, the ambulance came to their home.

Ren found out about the whole accident only after was Thomas finally stabilized and sleeping. A woman called him, claiming he was listed as an emergency contact. He spent entire night sitting in a quiet room, holding Thomas's thin hand as the doctors came and left.

Even now, after those years Ren knows there are silver scars on the inner side of Thomas's wrists. He kisses them when they are together, makes a habit of running his fingers across them and patting them. Ren finds himself missing Thomas's warmth. He tries to call his boyfriend one more time and without any success.

Something finally snaps inside of him and he stops cooking his pasta. He packs his things without caring what he throws inside of his suitcase. He sends a quick message to Phasma, telling her he's taking a few days off. With his phone still in his grasp, Ren leaves his apartment. He keeps constantly checking, looking for Thomas's answer. He tells himself he doesn't need to panic.

Still, he walks faster towards the station.

  **X**

_“Excuse me,” Ren said, not even bothering to raise his head up from his phone. He was typing a quick message to Rey. “Could you please tell me what kind of book is a good birthday present?” He still didn't bother to look up._

_The answer came after a few moments of hesitation. “Depends to whom you want to buy that present, sir.”_

_Ren huffed underneath his breath. “A kid. My sister's son. He's five or something.” This time the silence stretched over for a little longer. Ren didn't notice at first that his question was left unanswered. He furrowed his eyebrows when he did and finally raised his head up. “Hello?” he waved his hands in front of the man's face. He knew his voice sounded annoyed but it didn't stop him from being a complete asshole. “Are you deaf?”_

_He stared at the man in front of him. He was lean and tall but not quite as tall as Ren was. His face was pale but his eyes were blue, piercing as he looked at his costumer with a quiet patience. He didn't seem to be offended by Ren's rudeness and continued in staring before he finally spoke up. “I didn't think you were paying attention, sir,” he explained himself. “So I didn't speak while you were busy.” Ren felt as the corners of his lips twitched but he refused to acknowledge that as a smile. “How can I help you, sir?” the man continued dutifully._

_He folded his arms across his chest before he gave an answer. Ren's eyes slipped to the tag on the man's chest. “Thomas,” he said, making sure his tone sounded as neutral as it could be. The annoyance was gone for now. He put his phone into the front pocket of his jacket and looked around the store. “I am looking for a present for my sister's son,” he repeated his previous statement._

_“And how do you know that the book makes the best present?” Ren found himself furrowing his eyebrows when Thomas smirked. He wasn't representing the usual prettiness Ren looked for in his partners. He didn't look soft or rough, more like something in-between. But his eyes were warm, no matter how coldly he tried to look and that caught Ren's attention first. Pretty faces were nothing without that spark._

_“Look,” Ren sighed. “I just need to bring something, so my sister won't skin me alive. I don't care what book you give me. I'll take any at this point. It just needs to be a book for children, not some porn please.” He paused and then slyly looked at the brunette. “Thomas,” he mouthed. It almost sounded like he moaned that name._

_Thomas furiously blushed. That liked Ren even better. His cheeks were now flushed red and he bit his lower lip. Thomas shifted before he gave an answer and his voice sounded strained. He wasn't looking at Ren and it occurred to the taller man that maybe he crossed a line._

_“What about toys?”_

_Ren blinked. “…I have nothing against the use of toys,” he said and Thomas gaped at him with opened mouth._

_“I am still talking about your nephew, sir.”_

_“So am I.” Ren leaned against the counter. He was staring directly into Thomas's eyes. “What did you think I was talking about?” He didn't push it this time, only tapped Thomas's fingers and with a much gentler smile added: “I am joking. He likes cars.”_

_Thomas's body immediately relaxed. “Then I am sure I can find what you're looking for, sir.” He walked from behind the counter and motioned Ren to follow him._

_“I am sure you can,” Ren smiled to himself and moved forward briskly to keep up with Thomas's pace._

**X**

_“You've changed your mind when it comes to kissing,” Ren mumbled. He tugged Thomas's naked ankles and brought him closer. They were in the tub, sitting opposite each other. While Thomas's legs were stretched in front of him, Ren made sure to bend his own to give Thomas a little bit of comfort._

_The water was warm under his touch when he pressed a delicate kiss against Thomas's ankle while humming under his breath. “I love you,” Thomas admitted quietly. His eyes were still closed while he spoke. “But I am not reconsidering this.”_

_His voice was oddly rough. “I am not asking you that,” Ren assured him. “I am just making my point. In the begging, you told me that you don't feel comfortable about kissing. I was fine with me. Now, look at you, you amazing thing. You kiss me every morning on my cheek before I leave for work. Don't tell me you didn't step up with your game.”_

_This time Thomas huffed. “I did, didn't I?” He sounded proud of himself for managing to overcome this. “But still…” His voice trailed off. Ren kissed him again, this time under his knees and nuzzled the skin there. Thomas's cheeks were flushed like that first time in the store when they met. Ren found himself liking the relaxed look on Thomas. He looked younger than he was and less stressed._

_“We can work on that,” Ren assured him. The light smile crossed his lips. “Tommy?” He felt as Thomas froze under his touch. He raised his head up just in time to see that Thomas opened his eyes and his lips curled into a disapproving snarl._

_“Sex is off limits,” he said, keeping his voice firm as he did so and brought his legs close to himself. He did it whenever he was feeling vulnerable. Ren immediately felt bad about trying to push him into this discussion while knowing that answer won't change. “Look,” Thomas sounded tired. “It's fucking different than with kissing. I don't want your dick inside of me. Ever. Please, don't discuss this with me again. I just can't.” He raised from the water in one swift movement and wrapped himself into the towel before he stormed from the bathroom._

_Ren stood up with a sigh of discomfort and followed his boyfriend out. When he stepped into the bedroom, he found Thomas already dressed up in one of his older shirts and underwear. His hair was still wet from the bath but Ren enjoyed seeing him like that. Thomas once told him that the suit made him feel confident and sure of himself, but Ren preferred seeing him like this. He looked free, more alive. “Thomas,” Ren whispered as he crossed the room. He held his boyfriend closely and pressed a single kiss against his cheek. Thomas didn't make any sound of protest so Ren figured out he was allowed to speak._

_“I love you, I swear I do. You know how vain I tend to be,” he said. “I love hearing the sound of my voice so I say all those stupid things just to annoy you. It's not you, it's me.”_

_Thomas smiled at that. “It is,” he mumbled. He let Ren brush his hair behind his ears and leaned into that touch. “But sex…”_

_“I won't push you into something you don't want,” Ren said honestly. “Okay?” He held Thomas's smaller body pressed against himself._

_He heard as Thomas slowly breathed out. “Okay.”_

**X**

Ren opens the doors and is surprised he cannot hear any sound. The house seemed abandoned to him. The lights are off and the silence hanging over his head is like a knife ready to cut through him any minute now.

He walks in slowly. The key fits so he knows he didn't make a mistake. “Thomas?” he loudly calls and his voice echoes in-between the walls. The house was certainly touched by Thomas. Ren can see it in the way things seem to be in the place where they belong. He puts his suitcase down and leaves it in the hall after he's done with closing doors. Slowly, he starts his investigation.

If Thomas's in the house, he refuses to answer. Ren would lie if he said he isn't afraid. Without Thomas's presence, he feels lost and he simply knows that that's not how the things are supposed to be. “Thomas?” he calls again and in answer, the house remains silent.

He turns on the light and walks right into the kitchen. He notices pieces of glass on the floor, scattered there in an absolute chaos. His stomach turns upside-down. So it was that all bad after all. He finds similar signs all over the house. Meds in the bathroom, untouched like he suspected them to be. He knows that Thomas has sometimes problems to follow Ren's instructions. He was supposed to be there and he knows it now. But now is too late.

There is no blood and no body. Ren can only guess that Thomas is still relatively unharmed and continues in his searching. He finds a cup of tea resting on one of the tables. It's cold and untouched. Ren knows there's no sugar in it otherwise it would be empty by now. He checks his phone again, just in case and doesn't feel surprised when he sees that he still hasn't received any messages.

The house seems suddenly uninviting to him. Ren tries not to act annoyed. He quickly walks in the direction of the living room, opening his jacket as he does and shrugging it off. He sees as the sun starts to rise on the sky and he knows that soon it will be morning. He steps into the living room and freezes when he notices a figure curled on the couch.

Thomas doesn't react to his presence at first. He lies curled on his side, with arms tightly wrapped around himself. His hair is messy and eyes only half-opened. He isn't wearing any shoes, only socks with a hole and Ren know he would laugh if he wasn't so worried. He is quick to kneel in front of his boyfriend and when Thomas sees his face he smiles.

“Fuck,” Ren curses and presses a quick kiss against his boyfriend's awaiting cheek. “What the hell happened in here?”

“You are here.”

“Of course I am,” Ren says and helps Thomas to sit up. “You didn't answer my messages and I was worried about you.” He feels need to curse again when he sees blood covering Thomas's palms. The cuts are no longer bleeding but they still look painful. Thomas hisses when Ren attempts to touch them and tries to pull away. Ren wraps one of his hands around Thomas's middle to keep him in place. He notices that his skin is dry and raw.

“You made a mess of yourself, red,” Ren mumbled under his breath. “You should have used gloves. You know it's wrong for your skin.” Thomas seems to agree.

“I know, I know,” he nods like an eager kid. “But I needed everything to be perfect.” He leans into Ren's warm touch and lets the taller man keep him warm. “I had a flashback of my father then and I lost it.” He licks his lips as he speaks.

“You should have told me that something was wrong,” Ren chides him gently. He rubs Thomas's hands and kisses every single one of his fingers. “We should go to the bathroom to wash the blood away and then I'll wrap your hands into bandages.”

Thomas is all plaint when he goes. His eyes are glued on Ren's face and the taller man wonders how present Thomas is at that very moment. He lets Thomas hide his face in the crook of his neck while he washes his palms carefully.

“You should wash them again,” Thomas says with a tired sigh. “So they won't be dirty.” Ren is quiet the whole time. When he's done, he takes the pills from the cupboard and makes Thomas take them before he bandages him up. He kisses his boyfriend on the forehead when Thomas doesn't protest as a reward and tries to ignore tears burning inside his eyes.

“SHH,” he says when Thomas tries to move away before Ren has a chance to take out bandages. “I just need you to be still for a little while and then you can go to sleep.”

Thomas raises his head and looks at Ren with a question in his eyes. “Will you come with me?” he asks hopefully and Ren cannot help himself but smile.

“Yes,” he nods and kisses him. “Just a little while.”

Thomas manages to fall asleep before Ren's done. He seems all peaceful while sleeping. Ren doesn't wake him up, knowing he needs his sleep and instead just hauls him up into his waiting arms and walks them to the bedroom. Ren lies down next to Thomas. He kisses the side of his neck, making sure he won't wake him up.

The morning comes sooner than he would like. He covers Thomas's body with blankets and lets him slide closer. The house remains quiet but it's no longer the uncomfortable silence that stole Ren's breath away. It's not home. Not while Thomas is still sleeping.

But it's close to something like home.

**X**

“Can I help you?” Ren asks around afternoon when he opens the door. The woman standing in front of him frowns and her eyes travel to his face.

“Is Thomas there?”

“Yes.” Ren pauses. “And you are?” He knows he sounds unfriendly but he doesn't care at the moment. He has others problems to solve and he wants to end the conversation as quickly as it is possible. The woman blinks before she speaks and her voice sounds entirely too cheery for Ren to hear.

“I am a friend. Who are you?” 

She is suspicious like she expects to see Thomas's dead body lying on the floor. Ren sighs, knowing he won't be able to cut this conversation short and leans against the doorframe.

“I am his boyfriend,” he announces and waits for her reaction to judge her. Thomas didn't tell him about any friends. He finds the idea of Thomas finding friends suspicious but he is able to accept it if it's true. The woman remains quiet only for a moment longer and her lips turn up into a smile.

“You are different than he is.”

Ren raises his eyebrow at this statement and cocks his head to the side. “How so?” he asks out of curiosity and motions the woman to come in. He steps into the house and doesn't look back to see if she follows him. He can hear her voice as he walks in the direction of the kitchen.

“He's _Thomas,_ ” she says and neither of them needs an explanation what it means. He shows her to sit down on one of the chairs. He doesn't ask her if she wants tea or coffee and instead makes a cup of coffee for each of them. “I am Bea,” she says when he brings her coffee. She doesn't offer him a hand to shake and Ren starts to think she's more observing that she lets on.

They settle into a comfortable silence. She is first one to break it. “He is not fine, is he?” Her big eyes stop on Ren's face and he cannot bring himself to lie. He's been always too honest and the truth slides from in-between his lips before he manages to stop it.

“No,” he says and stares at the cup of his coffee. He puts there too much sugar just because he wants to. He knows that Thomas takes his coffee black and sour and he doesn't find it in himself to ask about Bea's preferences. "He's not all right. But he will be once he starts taking his medication again.”

“I didn't know it was that bad.”

“Everyone has issues.” Ren has his anger that keeps him up at the night. Thomas has his control and sometimes he manages to lose it. Maybe control is just another shadow on the wall and Thomas has never really had any. “He sometimes relapses. It's okay. I can pull him back, I just need to be there to catch him.” He wants to spit the coffee out of his mouth.

“You know, the country is supposed to help some people out,” Bea mumbles in-between the sips.

“Yeah,” Ren grimaces. “If you don't have a vermin problem of course.” He is surprised when she bursts into a laugh and puts her mug on the table. He waits for her to explain and wonders if Thomas will be up soon. Maybe he can cook some dinner then if he finds something in their fridge.

“He wasn't really joking when he told me that he hates rabbits.” There is a bit of bitterness in her voice but it quickly disappears. “Did he tell you that when he talked to you over the phone?” She reminds him a rabbit, all curious and fluffy and happy. He sometimes laughs when he thinks of Thomas not being fond of those balls of fur.

“Yeah,” he hums. “He told me all kind of curious things. About rabbits invading his home and stealing from his garden. He can imagine a lot of things in that wonderful head of his.” It's said with so much fondness.

“I didn't imagine that!” Ren's head snaps up when he hears his boyfriend's voice. Thomas is standing in the doorway, dressed up in one of Ren's shirt and underwear. He has his black socks on and he is shaking. Ren is first one to stand up, ready to take Thomas into his awaiting arms and send him back to sleep. He grows worried when he sees that the circles under Thomas's eyes didn't disappear completely.

Thomas points a finger at him as he continues. “I know what I saw and I know what happened to me!” His voice falters and Ren is quick to brush the side of his arm in what he thinks is a comforting manner. Thomas looks more asleep than awake.

“Yes, I know, sweet,” Ren murmurs despite himself. “I didn't say it correctly. Now, let's get you back to bed. You look very tired.”

“NO!” Thomas jumps back just in time. “No. No. No,” he keeps repeating and shaking his head like a madman. Then, suddenly all his movements stop and he turns on his heel and heads to the main door. Ren is frozen for a second before he snaps of it and hurries after him. He is only half-aware that Bea is following them both.

Thomas rushes into the garden and out of it. He keeps his fingers pointed in front of himself and once he finally stops moving, Ren finds out he is pointing it at a bunch of rabbits sitting in the grass. “What the FUCK?” He looks at Bea and doesn't understand why she acts so casually about it. The rabbits are not supposed to wear any kind of clothes and seeing them all in colorful jackets makes Ren uncomfortable. He gets it now, why Thomas acted so strangely about the whole situation.

“They are wearing jackets,” he says.

“It's their thing,” Bea says and offers him no further explanation. Ren has questions and he wants to ask them but when he looks at Thomas, he has a feeling that his boyfriend will suffer from another breakdown if he doesn't step in soon. So he makes a step forward and rests his hands on Thomas's hips. He leans closer, giving him a chance to leave before he starts to speak, making sure to keep his voice down.

“Yes,” he says soothingly. “I agree. It's so fucking strange that rabbits wear clothes. And I believe you. It's all fucked up, I swear. But you look like a lunatic now. And you are wearing just your briefs, no plants on, sweet.” He feels when Thomas leans against him for support. “You can't stand without my help. Let's go inside, get another few hours of sleep and then we can investigate this.” He presses a kiss against the side of Thomas's neck and he knows he's just won.

Thomas takes a deep breath and Ren brushes the locks of his messy hair from his face. “Fine,” he says and his voice is rough from the lack of sleep. He is fully leaning against Ren now and his eyes are closed. Ren brings him closer. The rabbits are staring at them and Ren feels uncomfortably. Bea kneels down to them.

“Are you alright, sweeties?” she asks. There is no visible reaction from the rabbits but Bea seems satisfied. Ren tries to not to think about her trying to talk to them. Instead, he breathes Thomas's smell. It feels comforting somehow, to have him now in his arms.

Thomas smiles against the side of his neck. “I missed you,” he mumbles and reaches down to squeeze Ren's hand. His fingers are now tightly wrapped in the bandages.

Ren brings him closer and holds him there. “I missed _you._ ” He kisses Thomas on the cheek. The kiss is meant to say: _I am here. I am not ever leaving you._ And lastly. _You are my home._


End file.
